Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.

[Tugg has just killed a panda]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

Les Grossman: Speedman is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.
Les Grossman: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat]

Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!